sometime after

I wonder if talking to the wrong people makes me angry or I’m too stupid to start with.  The more I think about why should we pay equally for my father’s funeral the more sad I feel because he have not given us equally anything (nothing really from the day I was born)If he means to just let JH inherit then he should pay the entire cost of the funeral because what he inherits amounts to 1 Mil.  Whatever cash my Mom still have is just enough for her to live on till her eventual departure which I hope will be a long time and what about her med bill?  How freaking unfair is that when I have to keep paying thousands of $ and gets 0.  It makes a bad holiday just thinking about the money gone.

Another big downer is LM got the NOLA house taken away after its been given.  When he heard this news we were at the garden and he was on the phone for the longest time and after he came in, I can see he was very sad and I thought some thing bad happened to Bobby.  SInce then all the plan scrapped, such as hiring a contractor to remodel and contact Judy to rent it out.  LM wants to quit right away so he can begin to go fishing and do some carpentry.  He wants to rent out the house here in SF also.  Lots of plans, now no need to think how to make it work.  I thought it was my fault that Bobby took the house back because I can’t live in it right away. I won’t let my benefits go that’s for sure.  The more we think about it the more conplicated it seems.  I know his brothers won’t agree to it knowing they will get hundreds thousands short.  LM keeps saying his step Mom at first and I don’t think she’ll have this view on LM.  Then we realized that his youngest bro seems to be the whinniest and most unyielding of all people and suddenly why he shows up at NOLA after being gone for god knows 35 yrs.and suddenly looking up friends.  We’ve been back for 4-5 yts every yrs going.  So he wants to competet it seems.  He rarely if not never “like” LM’s FB.  Unlike his other bro who always been well connected to LM when LM have the accident only his other brother contact him.  When LM told me that C has a lot of friends I was skeptical but here’s a full house at the funeral.  (maybe friends of the wife not his) His BF is saintly.  That almost tells me that C has a monstrous personality therefore only a saintly person can stand him.  No, I have never like the guy one little bit.

LM after the bad news have been very sad and he got a cold right after.  Its been kind of cold and rainy ever since.  Looks like we may never get to go back ever to his childhood home.  Now Bobby said he will rent it out to get income.  How sad is never………………………………………………………….

how we change or not

Have not seen my family for god knows how long.  It puts a distance from us in a way we can see who they really are.  How we grew apart and not the same any more.

Watched an interview about some famous person in HK of how he raise his kids.  How he loves both his girl and boy the same.  How he laughs at people that thinks boys are so much better.  He said those ideas don’t exists anymore. I think he’s right.  those ideas died with the people who still thinks that ways.  Its goes the way with my Dad.

If he wasn’t so negative on girls, would I be so fierce?  Would I accept the fact and grow into the person that I am.  I never thought I have the help or fortune that other people have.  See how it turns out.  I’m on top if wasn’t for the lack of favor that I get.  On the other hand , I maybe even be better off with help.  Who knows.

How my sister still clings on my Dad.  She’s the forever hopeful even when she knows the truth. She’s ever the obedient and follower.  Everything that I’m not.  How I feel sad for her.  She’s controlling like my dad.  I don’t know who she is anymore.   Its OK, I have no more expectation from her and the further she is away from me the better I accept her as my kin.   She grew more and more like my Dad; her selfish way came from somewhere that I don’t recognize.  Perhaps the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. It wasn’t her friends who effect her but her Dad.

I’m grateful for the friendship that I have.  They make me strong, no matter what happen.  I was propped up by them when the sky seems to be the darkest and most hopeless when I was in that rat invested single empty room.  They were there to help me.  I came out ahead of my siblings.  I know I never needed him.  They still have such strong connection to him.  My poor mother’s life is based on his therefore, she seems even more lost.  My life is careless and free, so much possiblities that doesn’t need his approval/comment.

dark and foggy days

After reading The Road from Carmac McCarthy, I get teary eyes.  Its a happy ending story and heart warming.  I wonder if my own father will thought of us  children as such loving way and would give his life for us.  I think not.   Maybe that’s what I was missing, someone that COULD be a father to me.  When he was still in the ICU, I still have hope that he would turn around and changed and be more understanding, more fun, more caring, most of all giving toward the 3 of us.  I feel something important was taking away from me, as if my left arm was cut off.  I seriously feel like I was at the sametime, dieing, my life ending like him.  Then I thought of course I was dieing since the I was born; everybody was.  I’m in fact passed the midlife, half of my life is really over, getting to the end of my time on earth.  Its a simple fact that I need to accept that time on earth is limited.  His time is up, no one can give him more time, even if I want to give my time to him, even if I want to die earlier for him.   Even if I want to pay, using my own money to buy more time for him or myself.  All of these possibility is not possible.

Talking randomly with patients, Anna, Dr. Ho’s ex girlfriend makes me cried.  Her brother and sister -in-law died and left her with a baby to take  care of.  She said it will get better.  I don’ t know how.  I remember my Granny and how long it takes me to get used to her not being here.  I loved my Granny like no other person, our relationship is much closer then my Dad.  But she was old and sick for 2 yrs before she passed so it was no major surprise like my Dad.She died gently and I was grateful and would not have happen in a better way.  I have done things for her.  No regrets. Dad on the other hand have lots of untie ends.

Emil said that he rather have times off rather then money for his holidays.  Its choices he makes differenely now-a -days.   I think I am slowly transisitoning to this way of thinking.  You really can’t buy time, Dad have not learn this.  He just squatter away his times.

I didn’t understand why Dr. Singh was so down lately.  I know her parents did a tow on her but her brother’s down fall is not necessary and she have no power over how her brother took the lost of his parents.  Its really sad that he throws his life away.  Hopefully my own brother can wake up and take care of my mother like he promised.  But already he went back to his old ways.  He drove her to Costco and not able to get a parking space he drove back home without shopping.