After reading The Road from Carmac McCarthy, I get teary eyes. Its a happy ending story and heart warming. I wonder if my own father will thought of us children as such loving way and would give his life for us. I think not. Maybe that’s what I was missing, someone that COULD be a father to me. When he was still in the ICU, I still have hope that he would turn around and changed and be more understanding, more fun, more caring, most of all giving toward the 3 of us. I feel something important was taking away from me, as if my left arm was cut off. I seriously feel like I was at the sametime, dieing, my life ending like him. Then I thought of course I was dieing since the I was born; everybody was. I’m in fact passed the midlife, half of my life is really over, getting to the end of my time on earth. Its a simple fact that I need to accept that time on earth is limited. His time is up, no one can give him more time, even if I want to give my time to him, even if I want to die earlier for him. Even if I want to pay, using my own money to buy more time for him or myself. All of these possibility is not possible.
Talking randomly with patients, Anna, Dr. Ho’s ex girlfriend makes me cried. Her brother and sister -in-law died and left her with a baby to take care of. She said it will get better. I don’ t know how. I remember my Granny and how long it takes me to get used to her not being here. I loved my Granny like no other person, our relationship is much closer then my Dad. But she was old and sick for 2 yrs before she passed so it was no major surprise like my Dad.She died gently and I was grateful and would not have happen in a better way. I have done things for her. No regrets. Dad on the other hand have lots of untie ends.
Emil said that he rather have times off rather then money for his holidays. Its choices he makes differenely now-a -days. I think I am slowly transisitoning to this way of thinking. You really can’t buy time, Dad have not learn this. He just squatter away his times.
I didn’t understand why Dr. Singh was so down lately. I know her parents did a tow on her but her brother’s down fall is not necessary and she have no power over how her brother took the lost of his parents. Its really sad that he throws his life away. Hopefully my own brother can wake up and take care of my mother like he promised. But already he went back to his old ways. He drove her to Costco and not able to get a parking space he drove back home without shopping.
My Blog of living this life 