odd apple

Kevin is something that I’ve run into before.  Someone unsuitable in the sense that will make me a snob, a classes pig.  Who is to say I’m a realist and heartless.  No in fact caring.  Because I know I’ll just take advantage of him and then toss him to the side.  This world we live in is not about love and freedom but it has to do with survival and being smart.  There are 2 different types of people and sadly Kev and I are totally belonging to a different group.  Its not to say that those group don’t come together and work out a deal but one have to make the compromise.  Karen and her husband totally are in the same boat.  She the bread winner, agreesive pragmatic while her husband is  good for nothing lazy, and took her abuse.  Yes, she’s very mean to him anyone can see she controls everything.  Same with Juanita, so a lot of people are together and its a give and take.

But talking about myself. I’m no chop liver.  I’m not abusive to the man in my life.  Yes, that our different make-up is the most striking thing that post a con to any further step in our situation.  My hormone was so out of control that he was just a piece of meat to me.  His face certainly even doesn’t come into consideration.  He’s not good looking in any imaginations.  Blond with a very bad dark tan.  He acts much younger then me.  His financial is like someone who just graduated from school.  He spends too much time in school and haven’t done anything.  And I’m close to retirement being at a very young age.  I’m looking for taking care of anyone; I’ve already done enough for myself and doesn’t want backage.

Our last interaction was very obvious that he’s after me.  Asking about my age in great details and interest.  He makes a wrong approach to start anything.  He should make it so normal and undetectable that I wouldn’t put up walls.  If he wants to know he could have ask Karen or someone close to me.  Since I know what’s up he won’t be winning me.  He asks me every week what I do this weekend.  I won’t tell him a thing because he might invite himself.  We talk about what TV we are watching.  He should know more about me before falling but maybe that will be hard to run away and too much effort would be invested.  Yes, age is something most man wants to know  point blank.  I remember the pt in my intership asks me out after he asks me about my age.  Well, I’m pretty sure I’m at least 4-5 yrs older then Kev.  Why does he tell me he doesn’t have any kids, I didn’t ask about him.   Last thing why would I leave my home and L for some responsibility.  What can he add to my life.  He might worship me but its an uneven trade off.  I do not doubt that we get along; I might enjoy each other’s company but it would be something doom from the beginning.

The Ukranian is a different story,  they are so interesting, good looking tall charming.  At least something very tangible.  They are so much younger then me.  They don’t have to be in great career because they are just starting their lives.  Kev have no excuses.  He’s slow; he’s white he can be somebody by now.   Roman have potentials; you can feel it.  He’ll be someone great.  He exudes confidence and polite at the same time.  Emile also have that quality most woman will fall for, so sexy undeniably attractive.  I really don’t care about age when they are that great to be around.

May will always be my best friend.  I don’t envy her marriage.  Its kind of sad that a woman have to married in order to have a better later part of her life.  I know my worried about her financials is well founded.  If she doesn’t have a husband to take care of that part, she would be destitude.  Her husband is not warm or interesting, conservitive, caring only to a point.  I don’t care for him that much but he will provide for her and that will make her life more comfortable.    If May is smarter she can take care of her money and rent and live a high life but she’s not.  She’s very likely to live under her brother’s roof when she retire if she’s single.

I look for the few loose ends and I thought I really want PJ and he’s the only person that I thought I would settle with but it takes 2 to tangle.  He doesn’t take me seriously and I won’t give in to be in a role of just a sex object.  I saw his current photo.  Boy he aged badly.  Whole head of grey hair and wrinkle puffy face tired.  Put on 40+ ib.    He’s a google executive now which surprised me because I thought he’s a lazy spoiled rich kid who won’t come to be anything.  As far as it looks he’s single still. He’s really not that old we are about the same age as I remembered.

CH has a boy but I’m not sure he’s married.  His wife’s a knock out.  I feel sorry for her.  He’s not a catch at all.  I’ll be depressed with him.  No lost there.  I don’t ever want to see him again.

I’m still searching for the love of my life; it may never exist.  But I’m still trying.

Friends not indeed

I’ve always have this reserved feelings about my work place.  It doesn’t deserve my devoted loyalty or passion.  People are fake and selfish and not together too bright.  Even Selina, fell very short of being smart.  Its like playing Survivor the reality show and people are only as good as helping you along.  Moni is truely the essences of that  school of thoughts.

I’ve always wonder why Selina just bout out so easily not even raising a finger.  I mean yelling at your supervisor is a much harder things for me to do then writing a damaging complain letter to the higher up to make them take action.  Selina have make life unbearable for herself and not doing a dam thing about it.  She’s a bright person but doesn’t have any motivation for self improvement.  If you ask her to do something for somebody she might do a better job then to save her own skin.  She thinks that writing or complaining to other people might benefiting the  remaining workers therefore she rather not.  Ok, then you also let the only chance you have to even out the unfairness you have to endure to the garbage can.  There are outlets that can at least benefit yourself from the bad treatment that you got.  If you want to punish other people who doesn’t have anything to do with being edge out then you are stupid.  Because even Maria have to fear the union putting a bad record on their bio.  A damaging letter relating to a resignation have leverage.   Moni have the situation under control because she will voice unjust treatment.

Selina have a lot of opportunity to go far but she offen put such limitation on herself, cutting the nose off to spite her own face.  I’m very disappointed in her.  I know how Marj thinks.  She is such a mouse she doesn’t even talk back to Juanita.  Laka’s really ahead of those 2, with less education and background she handles the situation and navigate it better.  No bad situation will last forever.  We both know that.

S was being spiteful that no body help her when she yells at Juanita but she didn’t think she did anything wrong.  She was after all belligerently all out yelling at Juanita almost in tears and the situation turns around and make me fells sorry for Juanita.  She is in no way in the right when she have make herself look bad and the aggressor.   No matter what J said wrong it doesn’t deserve to be yell at in such a way.  S is terrifically rude.  Who will chime in to help her even she’s so wrong and still continue to think she’s right.  Everybody makes a mistake, I know J is no angel.  But you don’t mix and use other situation to make this justifiable.  Just because you lost in other situation having a yelling match in front of other people, you are using us to defeat her the only way you think you’ll win.  Really not too bright.  No wonder she seems very cool in all emails.  Most of the time she doesn’t even write back,  No lost there.  I don’t know how many people can stand her rage.  I don’t want to ask for it we have fight many times and I make more sense then she does but she’s too emotional to make sense.

Chaotic more then ever at work but it seems things are better after S + M left.  It seems those who remain can do more.  We have the same # of people but less work being done.  But there’s less goal to be reach so no bother there.

We are financial more comfy, life is good, but safety wise is another matter.

Dan across the st was rob by gun point.  He got camera and sensor lights.  2 black guy from the otherside took 300$ it uproar the Vietnamese people.  We are more fearful then ever what can go wrong when you are home already!  the robber was arrested 2 days later but that’s beyond the point our sense of safty is gone.  Hard to walk around like we used to.

monkey on my back

Last Fri was so hard to endure.  Its as if cupid has hogged  too many arrows and just shooting it everywhere.  Dr. Ice came and wait for Dr. Chung in the clinic for Fri night.  Dr. Ko was unable to sit down and be the calm cucumber that he usually is because he has always have the hearts for Dr. C for the longest time.  Its not easy to hid that feeling.  Here Ice is looking like a romeo clearly wooing Dr. C but his eyes constantly not looking at her but at me.  Can anyone say “love square?”

4 people locking in this tango of a mess we call romance.  We are all at different ages, the gap is enormous really especially Dr. C who’s a lot younger then me.  Cultural, ethically diverse also.  I tried to hid and not let him have any contact with me.  I didn’t say more then a “hi.” to him.  I’m glad that he didn’t get to ask me again to go out because that’s what he said last time.  I hid and I know he looks, and looks for me.  I was hoping Moni was here because I need a witness to this.  Its too much for me to know and internalize it all.  It doesn’t seem real that Dr. Ice is such a jerk that he can do this and no one knows his game except me.  Maybe at this point this is not a “square” or maybe even a “pentagon?” if Moni is correct and she’s not pulling my legs.  we got Kevin who I called the troll keeps looking at me and even in his mild manner way say Hi to me and smiles excessively.  He’s pretty friendly with everyone so I can’t really 100% sure he got the hearts for me but that’s how this Dr. Ice thing been brewing.  It all started from nowhere and from miniscule incidents but here I’m being targeted again.

Dr. C got lots of props being beautifully Asian conservative way in a down-note sort of way.  She is not the gay and colorful sort of gal but serious with a lot of hang ups:” picky” is her middle name.  I don’t think that Dr. Ice is a match.  He’s far from what I think is suitable for her but he’s hard headed and stubborn.  Unless she’s got a bf , he’ll continue to try to have it easy what he thinks easy target of desperate women.  Whatever they are doing is fine with me, I feel bad for Dr. Ko who really likes Dr. C and cares for her.  Its genuine and I’ve known dr. Ko do altruistic things.  I can see Dr. Ko with Dr. C but I’m not sure if he’s still married.  Dr. C is still a pretty good catch on any account to any handsome man with much better quality then Dr. Ice.

As for me, I need to put a stop to this.  When he asks me to go out again, I never expects him to show up again for another couple of yrs.  But here he is again going out on Fri.  I was shocked and my heart skips a beat.  I don’t want to put up with this surprise again.  I don’t want to lie or have to tell him to F____ off!  Its too embarrass to have to tell Karen to tell him to go away.  Anyway, he wouldn’t have believe it even if I told him.  So I think the best way is to have him see me and Kevin together then he’ll be high tail out of my life.  How dare him to play with females’ feelings.  Why doesn’t he just let me go  for god’s sake its been for so many yrs.  Nothing happens, I don’t belong to him just because I’m single.  Do I give out bad vibs?  Do I act slutty?  Most of all I don’t want him to asks me out again.  Its a harassment.

On the series “True Detective” the wife was desperately trying to divorce her cheating husband by cheating on him.  Unless he sees that she’s no longer the quality person she’s, he can’t have contaminated person.  Even though she’s only doing what he’s doing its not the same.  Man and woman have unequal expectations.  Even though it contradicts her own moral standard, she did it just to get rid of him.

I need to get rid of him.  Because he won’t let me go.

bridge over trouble water

Maybe life is getting lack of focus and passion.  Why is it that everyone need love and romance otherwise eveything seems so dull.  Its a lot more lonely at work that Selina and Marj are gone, but they are not a real big part of my life to begin with.  I begin to recall the time that Dr. Ice was constantly paying too much attention to me and I feel wanted and admired.  It feels exciting; I’m somebody, much better then what others have thought of me.  I’m still desirable at my age.

I want attentions that’s unplanned.  I have not put in any effort in making myself an object of desire.  I didn’t approach anyone or give them compliments.  I see how Calico girl flirts and get what she wants.  Moni can do it with much more subtalty and grace.  Last yr, I saw how the Ukranians looked at me and I love the attention and it was just that some nice excitements.  I’ve the urge to take my cloths off and do what he wants as if who he is doesn’t matter anymore.  My rational self is not there.  I’m hungry and thirsty like a vampire.  The urge is stronger then plain reasons of what;s right and wrong.  There’s no fear.  I’ve lost my sense of boundary.  what does it all means?

I have no idea where that Kevin comes from. I assume that he belongs to the scanning equipment team.  But at first he wast doing data entry for Karen with boxes of old files that they found in the basement that needs to be purge.  He was in this empty room all day long typing away.  He always look who walks by because i guess its such boring job.  Then the scanner people got a hold of him and he can sit in the dispensery where I am.  He was coding and becomes Elain’s underling.  He seems nice.  Mild temper with good manners.  There was 1 day that we all have to help do inventory that I notice he was staring at me for no particular reasons.  Sure when I pass his little room he looks up but that;s kind of normal when you are busy at something so boring.  Being an extremely sensitive person.  I’ve been able to notice who ‘s staring behind my back since Dr. Ice’s days.  There’s something uncontrolable about that day.  There’s a wrecklessness and restless part of me that can’t keep me sitting still.  I try to over come that’s so hormonal pulse beating underneath my skin. Why’s my blood boiling. I didn’t know what it was until the next day when I got my period.  But the day that I was doing inventory seating next to Kevin, who I didn’t even talk to, I feel that my homone have over powered me and make me very sluddy.  Maybe in some primal way that he can smell my estrogen.  Can a man sense a female in heat?  I’ve really not talk to him in anyway not more then a “hi.”  I’ve tried not to create any situation that he can ask me out or being personal.

While sitting next to him, Calico girl have create attention grabber.  She said her chest hurt because of her piecing,.  Then she pulls the edge of her top  lower so she can show me her diamond piecing between her boob.  I think she’s trying to flirt with Kevin and try to entice him.  I was just between those 2 a very brief moment.  Those 2 have a lot to chit chat around, Calico being the out going one.

I know what’s wrong with me,.  LM have not touch me for more then a yr.  He tried and he can’t.  Even when the days that he can; it was not good for me.  He’s selfish in bed and not give me satisfaction.  He wants it the way he wants it.  I know it can be better but he’s not co-operating.  He seems to make excuse that it was me.  The fact is its the reflection of our daily lives.  He’s not generous.  He nick picks me, but he doesn’t lift a finger on mundane stuff.  He’s self-centered; he’s not thoughtful with me or other people in general.  Other then that we are contented in the daily exixtant in the house we loved.  I’ve become virgin again.

I needed love and am sure any sensitive person can pick it up.  I refuse to admit to myself that Kevin was looking at me.  I told myself he’s ugly and a poor guy who’s unable to support me.  ANother Mauricio.  I’m not a bit attracted to Mauricio who’s clumsy in everything he does.  He’s a lowly bottom clerk who go ejected from our team.  Kevin maybe the samething I’m guessing.  Maybe he’s not wanted in main campus some kind of cast off.  I really was afraid that Mauricio will directly asks me out but I squash that when he put out feelers.  At least he knows am not interested and not try again.

Kevin on the other hand is better at least not a duds.  There’s something wonderful about ugly men, they have no hang ups about choosy.  Whatever comes along seems to be impressive to them therefore they will treasure you.  They will worship the grounds you walk on; they will put you above themself.  Yesterday Moni asks me if I notice he was staring at me.  I said I didn’t.  But we are all working inside the dispensary.  He might stare at me more then I know since Moni was there when I was working with her.   I heard Calico asks him how old he is and I suspect he’s more close to age to Calico then me.  He looks like he’s in his 30’s.  I’m no cougar.   Its my hormone speaking to me, my body doesn’t care who touches me.  Someone ugly? someone who has a lowly job, it doesn’t matter.  My body wants another body who can quench the thirst.    I know if I even let him have a go, create an opportunity there’ll be no going back,. There’ll be a flood of emotions and your body knows there’s a connection that’s impossible to explain.  I thought of men that have turned me on in the passed.  Why do I feel I need to connect? I’ve an instinct I can’t tell what to do.  What I have now will disappear.  Will Lm tolerate someone else in my life?Do I care if he goes for someone else?

Grey days

The days are greyer and less joy without friends.  I feel cornered and lost without Selina’s loud laugh and Marj’s incoherent rents.  Not mentioning the loads are spread on my shoulders now.  In fighting stills there and works pass it on from one person the the next and I got the blunt of the stick.  Marj is the work horse no doublt about it.  C doesn’t move an in and then tells us what to do.  Laka have to do C’s job and then she got tired and I have to pack int now; I don’t like it.  I feel trap that I may not find another job with such high pay and the notion of just walk off is out of option now.

Think about the road ahead is grim.  Its a good thing that my job pays above head and shoulder then anyone out there.  But it also signifies I have no where else to go except change fields and be my own boss.  Its a scary though I may have to do that. 

There hasn’t been a better dahlia seasons.  Such nice blooms.  LM got booted out his new playground because it charges $35.  They want to buy useless things.   Too bad he turn down the leadership role but then he can’t be both.  Tricky.  Still got a bumper crop of beans at least. 

I still have nightmares about my family.  They have done so much to harm me seeing them in dreams brings stress and unsettling.

Post-Marj.

So much have change without Marj. Monica was tearful the first week and kind of restless for 2 weeks. We all feel that way and lucky it was summer break with little student/pts. Still such a big void and we all seem tobe at a lost. I feel like quitting. Moni talks about it often more so then before. Once the term started the work rains on us. I’ve to pick up all that was done by them luckily we have 2 temps that are rather nice and hardworking. My room is a shamble; eugene doesn’t follow any rules while being train he wasn’t paying no mind to us. Then he askes questions that was shown before. He argued and almost break the machine. I only have 1 day in there luckily but they need me to be with faculty and roam. Really a lot of work so little people to cover. Calico and Sab shows up but manage to darge a lot of responsibility/
Intervieing a lot of people. Lisa may have a chance.
I worried that Sab may get the job she can be hard headed.
Its hard to work with C she should just retired instead of getting in my way.
Shocking news about my field is that the salary range have gone nose dived. Arrrrrrrrg. I wouldn’t have stuck in this field if I know it pays little now. I won’t able to find a private office who can afford to pay me. First there’s too much competition on the Dr’s side some offices have been closed. True, that only signified that the fees and price have to be lower.
I feel stuck if I can’t go to private office anytime I feel like it. A salary cut about 25%.

The new com garden near our house is a god-send.  I suspect short Mike is sabotaging L’s Zuk’s pulling them all out and playing with my beans.  I’ve my peas cut with sissors?  Maylee’s dahlia been broken off everyday 1 piece at a time.  Marian is not there that often we can see that. Mary’s flower pots been dump everytime he’s there and I arrive after him.  Something weird.

2 gone and I’m still here

Who am I going to talk to when Marg and Selina are gone.  Yes, they have told them to shove it: rather a rash decision.  I would think they will last another 6mo to a yr.  Selina loves to talk to the students and socialize with them.  Marg on the other hand was constantly pick on and threaten and she’s not the kind to be the scape goat.  Insults aside, we love Marg with all her little quirks.  Before Juan came no one beat down on Marg like they do now, Talk about unfair and childish.  There’s a pecking order establish by those 2 and its not healthy at all sort of like in a private office when all things go to hell including your humanity and sanity. Its cruel world out there and now its cruel at work.  The reason why I stay here for this long is because the people here is essentially good with all their flaws.  Now its dog eats dogs and the older ones are rather selfish pushing all the works on us.  Management have push for the old ones to retire but little do they know its the work horse that had it.  My work will be definitely worse without their help.  Both of them won’t gripe about taking X-ray and sit with the most horrible Dr.  They are valuable in saving my skin.   Its not the insurance that I’m after–retirement benefit is the key. And I just got a 4% raise after 3 yrs of waiting so its hard for me to leave too but I think I can last another yr or if UOP open up a spot, I think I will call it quits.  Who wants to look at Dr. N mopping around. He is slithering and talking nonsense very much disconnected with the staff and students little value to add but constantly cutting people down.

Those 2 are young and have many yrs of service in them but good horses doesn’t take BS and there’s a lot of it coming from Dr. N and J.  I feel like they are using thorough breed for plouging fields.  Working for people with low IQ is a challege everyday and M+S can’t hold their tongue when seeing the obvious blunders that they made.

Worse is now we have so many who can’t pull their own weight.  I won’t stand for it .  even Janiqa is lazy son of a gun who just dropped off and leave things for me to do and so un-organize and absent-minded.  Even she’s young she can’t do a lot of the more detailed stuff.  Because of short attention-spend.

There’s really Monika and me who just peck at it.  Bel can do it but she won’t step up, plus she’s dis-en genuine, no one trust her.  I never consider her close; I never give her my vege, never share secrets with her.  Things I will tell Marg and Sel I will never tell her.

friends are hard to come by, I feel lost of support.  They really care about me when I was upset and need help.  when Dr. Chig left that really effected Sel, they were close.  Moni and Laka cried about Marg.  They go back farther then me.  And I’ve spend so many yrs with them I lost count; got to be 15 yrs +. Wow,  thats longer then most relationships.  We plan to have dinner at a Chinese resturant that Sel choose.  Its a milestone for all of us.  Its hard to say goodbye.  Seeing through the bad and the good.  There are times that M and Sel makes me cried.  Their bad temper, sharp tongue really is something else.  But I hang with them they are close to me, so is Moni.  I consider the others disposible.  I don’t care what they do because they will sell me out in a jiffy.  Saying good-bye to loyal friends is hard to do but all things will have an end.  Our history ends here.

 

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The fixer

Well, the brighter side of work is neither Marg nor I got a written reprimand but enough said.  The management is rather concentrate on making everyone from top to bottom miserable then they are happy.  Not constructive or productive in any sense of the word.  The obvious results are we are down in the number this yr then in previous or the previous yr.  Wait does that negativity comes as a surprise.  No one wants to work in this crap fest.  We all try to do as little as we can while Madame musical-chair push as around to make us do very unnecessary things.  Do we volunteer to make things smooth.  Do we call out obvious mistakes.  Now a days no one gives a damn.  Any move can be seen as a way to get caught doing”something wrong.”

LM gave me a diamond ring.  He have to go 3X to get it fix.  First time to get rid of the side diamonds, second time smaller size and then again smaller.  I hope he doesn’t spend too much on that because I don’t feel like the marring sort.  I don’t know why but he’s too pushy to be with and embarrassed to present to people.  He never listen to anything I said.  Life goes on.

I’m with Marg

on the same boat.  I was drag in the office and have a sit down with my famous supervisor and being talk down to.  I feel indignant and nothing to loose.  I will talk back and told her that Dr. N’s an ass and he created a situation for me to fall into.  I left the key on the door and went back to get it but it was not there. for the short time that it was not in my pocession, nothing happen.  Nothing was lost or stolen but he insisted that there was fault.  Not if I was irresponsible.  He make it like I was.  It was busy and the Calico was defending me for no avail. I heard N complained the day that happen but not until 10 days later I got the talking to.  Dec 7 and Dec 17 and was documented with Junita in writing as the next time will come and it will be an official on record, I commited some kind of autrocious bad deed.  No wonder Calico is hands off everything OS.  Dr. N was lurking around and looking for problem where he and a lady who wants the window open went heads-on and not resolve when I left them.  I don’t care much.  That can fire me and that will be a sweet jesus law sue if I find one.  He’s an idiot ready to commit the worse of mi-sile logic in his small brain.  Different stroke for different folks.  Marj  was pin on something she didn’t do and Calico lost a faculty handpiece and was not repremented so what kind of shit is this.  Nothing positive this Christmas, no gifts fromt he 2 supervisors.  Well, I don’t want garbage.  Even Karen seems to look hurted on her tafllon skin.

Behind the scene story is J left the drug locker keys on the door and Dr. S found it and told on her and of course at that time I remember there was a drug missing.  Dr. S took photos and because we all know J lies so the photos were cherries on top.  Dr. N was force to have a sit down with J and punish her.  Oh well its like I shot your guy and this time you shot my guy.  This is a game that will go on for sometiem and we are the causualty of it all.  N being so unfair.  I’m rooting for Dr. S. I hope she wins. Arrrrrr.

Sour Christmas, not get a real gift. LM’s Dad gave us money but LM gave me a ring instead. Its the wrong time and really too late.  Really not what I want.  Ugly and no way will ever were it.  Illlll.

May gave birth but I didn’t go visit.  Don’t feel like it.  Plenty of time to heard and see little tots.  There’ll be B-days. to follow for sure.  I dont’ think it necessary.  WHy bother, old friends will fade and her life is with her new family, knowing her she’s always self-center anyway.  Not worth my time.