How do I even begin to write this event? It was a Tue night I came home from work. LM greets me at the door and hugs me before saying a word, gave me the msg that my sister called and she was crying , my Dad is in the hospital very sick. I didn’t think he would be in any danger. I called her and she affirm that he was indeed very sick in the ICU if I would go there now. I got the address down and LM took me there at St. Mary’s. Mom came rushing toward me; I don’t know what’s going on, my brother included was telling me how this event started and everyone was finishing each other’s sentences because everyone was crying. Is it really that grim? I keep asking myself. My father have never been hospitalize in his life. He was not even born in a hospital. I was not crying, I do not think it is that serious. They are not making any sense. we got permittion to go in my brother told me this could be the last time that we can see him alive. The truth is in front of my eyes when I see him all hooked up and in a coma. He is uncontrolablly shaken and sobbing that his word doesn’t make sense, an undecipherable rambling of words of sorrows, gratitude and desperation. Confession that he should be a better son if only he can wake up and come back. MY brother begs him. My mother did the same, but she expressed guilt that she doesn’t treat him better and sorry that she angers him. I was more angry then any of them. The irony that she have to appologize to my father angers me, I start crying because the 3 of them were so upset and beside themself. This will became the routine from oct 20 till 24th that we will come together to see him in the morning talk to the drs get updates and then in the evening or afternoon get called in because there’s an emergency. He was touch and go for those 5 days. He was admitted sun night surgery was sucessful for the stents initially. He came out conscious ate some rice poriadge and Bro and Mom went home, there were no need to call JK and I. Then couple hrs later, my dad flat lined. he needed more surgery. (bypassed?) Dr. Chin pat himself on his back. He said he wouldn’t do this for other people but my dad has good health before the heart attack so he would pull all stops litterally for him. We thank him again and again. If it wasn’t Dr. Chin Dad would not came back from flat lined. Then dr. Tin the surgent said dad needs to wake up tomorrow or the chance for recovery will be slim because of lack of O2 to his brain. Dr. Chin the cardiologist said that all that can be done is already done surgery is sucessful there’s no clog anymore. But because lack of O2 to the brain dad’s in Coma and slowly lung and kidney function died seizures begin to set in. He had only20% heart function. Then on weds things got better he woke up and was able to follow the dr;s comment, open eyes and move fingers heart function improved to40% later that night he have bowel movement and the tube dislodged and lost of blood send him back and he fell deeper into the coma. They transfer him to CPMC when we thought that they will give him better machines and eventually make it back. After they do a work up on him they called us in which I thought was only an intro meeting turns out to be the end of hope. Dr. Campbell told us that he no longer have a future. I asked her if only if we wait he might improves? She said if he was on only 1 machine or 2 we will said he qualifies to improve to a livable life. He’s already been on 4 machines the entire time and not making the improvements that shows he can come back. The last incident was actually close to a flat line situation. So that second incident really set him back. I was mortified to hear there was no hope. Even Dr. Campbell starts to cry. That was the worse news I heard so far because no matter what I heard before there was a glimer of hope from those drs. Now she finally told us there’s none. She even sound angry at Dr Chin which she said they have done extra ordinary things for my Dad that normally wouldn’t have done. This is my Dad’s nightmare, going into a hospital and never came back out. Mom and I want to end this ASAP. JH wants to defer tomorrow morning where macau anut can say good-bye. I’ve been saying good-bye everyday there’s no more to say really for me. We settle the time and when the time comes the grim reaper was a big black guy and a cranny white young girl. The nurse asks us if we are ready and they just came in quiet and didn’t say a word and unplug everything. Nurse inject more pain killer. Bro was standing on his left I was on his right. He holds his hands I put my hand on his. The moment is here I kneel on the ground and I saw his back arch slightly his head bent back, he open and rolls his eyes, my brother using his other hands to covers his eyes. He didn’t gasp because there are tubes in his trachea. When all the machine was quiet he wasn’t able to breath on his own. He have lost that little life breath inside of him. His last day he looks like shell with no spirit. I never let that hand go it was cool to the touch to begin with now it cools down even more completely. His body really gives up on him, I say the Buddhist chant”Nam mor or lat toh ful” the entire time they were doing the unplugging. All 4 of us tried not to be over come by grief because he can see us looking at him. We all want him not to wondering around in this world and let go. Mom and Sis came in and we have to go.
I can tell from day to day on Weds Dad looks the best and like he would have came out OK. He have his eyes slightly open and have some breath inside of him. He was struggling. I cheer him on and told him he can do it. You have grand kids to play with. I didn’t mention forgiveness but bro insists that I tell him that I forgive him. I think those things are under the water when you lay dieing. No one owe anyone anything anymore. I told him that we are gratful that he take us here to the US and we are all independent making a good living. That he doesn’t need to worry about us. Bro got a new job. You raised us to full grown ages. You did your job and duty. If he needs to go to heaven he needs not to worry about us we will take care of Mom. This is the last good bye but in my next life we will be together again. I told him nobody is perfect we all have faults. We are humans. I pretty much say that we both have done something to hurt each other but now it doesn’t mean anything anymore. Go find Granny, I told him she’s waiting for you. Bro worried that Dad didn’t want to let go. I know he has lots of wood working project yet to start. He wants to live and come home because he say that went he first woke up.
The funeral arrangement was hard because it happen right after he passed a few hrs later. Renee is a wheeler dealer. The money was staggering considering we choose cremation; its still over $10K. The service went smoothly, lots of flowers and the buddhist nun chant was very important and perfect. My Dad really needed that to send him off,. He must be still mad at me because he never appears in my dreams. I have dream about them often before but his spirit seems to be weak. Granny on the other hand was strong and powerful. Dad seems to make people not like him and he doesn’t care. I was sure that Macau aunt was devastated but my cousin said she was OK with his death. It brings back bad memories that Dad have taken beloved Granny away from my aunt and separated them even though we barely have enough time to take care of Granny when Granny was sick. Granny did complaint so did aunt but Dad ignores them. His life is being judge and when he was not nice to people around him, he wasn’t nice to himself either. Why in the world that he didn’t get help for his chest pain? This can be avoided. 74 is not too old. I can see him going to80s with little problems.
LM told me that I’m a fool to spend so much money on a funeral. Mayly said why dad didn’t take care of me why the extravagant. At least my brother is to inherit. When he was alive he was horrible to me after he died he still have to do this to me.
My sister ‘s self-centerness is hard to take. The funeral photo line up is full of her family kids photos. I would rather see more of the deceased then her’s. Eulergy is about how hard to be a parent. I have nothing so say. Nothing really good to say or I would be lieing.
when he was in the hospital I keep thinking about Dr. Ariga who had those surgery and now still alive and working, Selina too have 2 open heart surgery and inlaw passed. Why my Dad is so fragile? why he never enjoy life? Why is he so unhappy? Mom, said its because of his dad’s passing at age 8 that makes him not able to live a comfortable life he worries excessively. He gets angry too easily.
I am angry that my life was good and happy until his death it changes things. I don’t like to deal with the 2 siblings mainly my sister.
My Blog of living this life 