Waiting for Godot

Mom said my brother is a liar.  She didn’t go into specifics but I already know what’s going on. WHen Dad was in a coma , hanging by a thread, he promised to take care of Mom but I know its a lie.  The boy has good intentions but when it comes down into the nitty griddy he can’t concentrate and lost patience very easily.  Its a pattern early on in his life that was never dealt with.  I notice my sister had died her hair, her white hair must be too much to handle.  My brother never have to bother or face with a lot of milestone or grin  and bare it. I never understands why he’s irritated by my Mom, I know she’s very repetitive sometimes but not as bad as some of my patients at work.  Without my Dad to take care of, she only can doe on him.  My Mom and I are waiting for him to grow up.  Only if he quit smoking and take care of himself like wake up ontime and sleep on time like everyone then we’ll breath a sign of relieve.  I’m not going to hold my breath.   My parents know that he doesn’t take care of himself like normal people do.  He thinks he’s young and will live forever.  40+ yr old with no savings and lives everyday like he’s just 20 yrs old.  Stay up all night and spends his money on himself.  Sometimes money is a substitute for love.  I wish my parents have take us on a vacation someday like most people do.  Not for my own sake but for my brother who’s a lot younger who wish to do things all American.  I remember it in my childhood during christmas how he wish to received gifts and how he wants a tree.  It was then he realize that he can’t get it from us and he always spend his Christmas with friends who have all that.  I wish Dad have done those things for him that’s the reason as I understanded why he waste money on himself to compensate.  Yes, all those shoes, he never have nice new shoes.  I remember someone else have to step in to buy me new shoes.  I wonder why.  I can’t tell anyone about this.They will feel sorry for me.  Where as now I don’t feel sorry for myself so let other people drag it out of me makes me sad.

On a bad day no word or action will trigger tears that comes from nowhere.  The feeling comes in waves when it wants to come, I can’t stop it.  Its like you are waiting for somethhing for a long time and you realize that something will never come.  There’s no remedy between me and my Dad.  What happened in our lifetime will be just that, no correction, no do it over.  Childhood gone and midlife crisis passed.  I wish he have take care of my brother, maybe “spoil” him.  Offer to pay for his school.  It would have been nice.  yeah, that would have changed him.

Chinese new yr with all the cousin is like a reunion.  everyone have changed maybe not for the better.  Most of them not as happy.  Why do they fight amoung themselves?  We came together for the first time in many yrs and pretend to get along for once.  My brother didn’t come, not even this time.  Lance was all tired out by the time we are done.

death has the final word

Death is the end of everything.  You can’t change anything after the final breath is inhale.  All the things you need to correct or finalize can’t be fix, so death left you hang in there unable to “clean up.”  That’s how I feel about my Dad what’s between us was left is broken and not corrected.

I dream that my family needs me in court.  I haven’t seen Dad for awhile and they need me to appear in court to help him since I’m good at this kind of thing and we were waiting in the  court room audience like how jury duty is each case came up and we observed what happen to other people’s case.  As I understand it wasn’t an important case its something like traffic ticket or taxes one of those thing and Jk, JH and MOm were there waiting with me also.  When Dad’s case was called the judge made an announcement that Mr. H was not able to come to appear in court because he had passed away case dismiss and as family you can’t see him anymore he’s not able to come out.  We were all shock and then the scene seems to mimic the last meeting we have with the Drs who declear him not savable.  It was the hardest thing for us to hear.  Then the court room seems to look like the funeral because everyone is wearing black from the judge to us and the sober tone of the whole room.  Then the cousins were there like the funeral saying condolences. When I woke up I was sad, the dream explained to me why I haven’t dream about my Dad it seems to make sense to me now.  I was perplex why there were no msg from him since I was able to communicate easily with most who passed away even strangers.  Since he’s my dad I thought he would want to tell me something in my dream that he wasn’t able to do in real life.  I strongly believe in being connected with people in my life who passed on like my teacher or aunt.  I feel our worldly connection and relationship really ended when he died.   Now the dream tells me that the heaven prevented him from communicating with me.  I guess that he haven’t been nice to me when he was alive and that’s by the grace of heaven that he no longer have anything to do with me.  His thoughts no longer interfere with my life, his due influence have been negative so he lost that right to bother me.   In refection, he have never been encouraging in anyway.  I have to think hard and there he have not been positive in situations or teaching me right or sooth or help me.  There are times that I need someone to tell me that I’m not bad after something disappointing like failing on somehting.  when I didn’t get a job or fail to be selected at a school play, I kind of needed someone to tell me that it was OK that was nothing.  Maybe a friend, aunt, or Mom have sometimes did that.   The last thing we fought over was money but in reality it really wasn’t money that drove us apart.  It was the way he treated me.

Everyday I marvel at how my life have been without him, its a good life with lightness and freedom .  Most of all I feel good about myself that whatever I do doesn’t have a negative tone to it.  He criticized everything I do.  If I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t be regrettable. Maybe, I feel that I have a few paintings that I haven’t finish yet that was all.  My co-worker asked me if I want to do a service for him at her temple along with her Mom who passed on.  I refused because his life have ended and whatever he did can’t be fix by prayers.  Whatever he did is not so light weight that a simple service can change his judgement with god.  I know he haven’t kill anyone or  commit crimes.  But it seems the rules are set, he can’t will it the way he did in life. He was totally master of the family.

At chinese new yr, we finalize the cost of burial.  The donation exceed the cost of the funeral by 4K and my sister have the nerve to ask me 2.5K to cover the plot cost.  She thinks I’m a push over again?  I’ve vehemently refused to pay for the plot because that’s not his last wish.  It was all my aunt’s doing.  JK have the nerve to aid and abide by using her credit card.  Mom totally promised to pay for the plot saying she has the money but not knowing how to write checks so jk steps up and pay.  Now jk thinks that she can fool me and make me pay?  First of all if we all chip in I still don’t have to pay 2.5k.  I think its more like less then $750.  So I asked her if Mom pays, jh pays? You pay how much?

She just murmured under her breath and didn’t disclose.  I know she was lieing to me.

I think MOm didn’t pay up who always promise so things can go her way and then not hold up her end of the deal.  JH for the grace of god has no money at anytime.  If I have done my math right JK have shoved me the bill.  At least 50/50 with her without even telling me what the hell she was doing.  My sister is never to be trusted.  I gave her 1 K to cover the cost of plot even though I don’t have to do that.  Its the last thing I have to do.  I’m not cheap but the matter of principle.   The truth is as the sole inheritor of the house my brother is by tradition to pay the whole cost.  But he didn’t so my sister and I was left the least but fork out the most.   I know this is not the end of the ordeal.  Later on what if Mom needs care, I don’t think either of the yahoos will take care of her.  This is the way things are raveling and I know how it goes longtime ago because I know theses people since I was born.

sometime after

I wonder if talking to the wrong people makes me angry or I’m too stupid to start with.  The more I think about why should we pay equally for my father’s funeral the more sad I feel because he have not given us equally anything (nothing really from the day I was born)If he means to just let JH inherit then he should pay the entire cost of the funeral because what he inherits amounts to 1 Mil.  Whatever cash my Mom still have is just enough for her to live on till her eventual departure which I hope will be a long time and what about her med bill?  How freaking unfair is that when I have to keep paying thousands of $ and gets 0.  It makes a bad holiday just thinking about the money gone.

Another big downer is LM got the NOLA house taken away after its been given.  When he heard this news we were at the garden and he was on the phone for the longest time and after he came in, I can see he was very sad and I thought some thing bad happened to Bobby.  SInce then all the plan scrapped, such as hiring a contractor to remodel and contact Judy to rent it out.  LM wants to quit right away so he can begin to go fishing and do some carpentry.  He wants to rent out the house here in SF also.  Lots of plans, now no need to think how to make it work.  I thought it was my fault that Bobby took the house back because I can’t live in it right away. I won’t let my benefits go that’s for sure.  The more we think about it the more conplicated it seems.  I know his brothers won’t agree to it knowing they will get hundreds thousands short.  LM keeps saying his step Mom at first and I don’t think she’ll have this view on LM.  Then we realized that his youngest bro seems to be the whinniest and most unyielding of all people and suddenly why he shows up at NOLA after being gone for god knows 35 yrs.and suddenly looking up friends.  We’ve been back for 4-5 yts every yrs going.  So he wants to competet it seems.  He rarely if not never “like” LM’s FB.  Unlike his other bro who always been well connected to LM when LM have the accident only his other brother contact him.  When LM told me that C has a lot of friends I was skeptical but here’s a full house at the funeral.  (maybe friends of the wife not his) His BF is saintly.  That almost tells me that C has a monstrous personality therefore only a saintly person can stand him.  No, I have never like the guy one little bit.

LM after the bad news have been very sad and he got a cold right after.  Its been kind of cold and rainy ever since.  Looks like we may never get to go back ever to his childhood home.  Now Bobby said he will rent it out to get income.  How sad is never………………………………………………………….

how we change or not

Have not seen my family for god knows how long.  It puts a distance from us in a way we can see who they really are.  How we grew apart and not the same any more.

Watched an interview about some famous person in HK of how he raise his kids.  How he loves both his girl and boy the same.  How he laughs at people that thinks boys are so much better.  He said those ideas don’t exists anymore. I think he’s right.  those ideas died with the people who still thinks that ways.  Its goes the way with my Dad.

If he wasn’t so negative on girls, would I be so fierce?  Would I accept the fact and grow into the person that I am.  I never thought I have the help or fortune that other people have.  See how it turns out.  I’m on top if wasn’t for the lack of favor that I get.  On the other hand , I maybe even be better off with help.  Who knows.

How my sister still clings on my Dad.  She’s the forever hopeful even when she knows the truth. She’s ever the obedient and follower.  Everything that I’m not.  How I feel sad for her.  She’s controlling like my dad.  I don’t know who she is anymore.   Its OK, I have no more expectation from her and the further she is away from me the better I accept her as my kin.   She grew more and more like my Dad; her selfish way came from somewhere that I don’t recognize.  Perhaps the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. It wasn’t her friends who effect her but her Dad.

I’m grateful for the friendship that I have.  They make me strong, no matter what happen.  I was propped up by them when the sky seems to be the darkest and most hopeless when I was in that rat invested single empty room.  They were there to help me.  I came out ahead of my siblings.  I know I never needed him.  They still have such strong connection to him.  My poor mother’s life is based on his therefore, she seems even more lost.  My life is careless and free, so much possiblities that doesn’t need his approval/comment.

dark and foggy days

After reading The Road from Carmac McCarthy, I get teary eyes.  Its a happy ending story and heart warming.  I wonder if my own father will thought of us  children as such loving way and would give his life for us.  I think not.   Maybe that’s what I was missing, someone that COULD be a father to me.  When he was still in the ICU, I still have hope that he would turn around and changed and be more understanding, more fun, more caring, most of all giving toward the 3 of us.  I feel something important was taking away from me, as if my left arm was cut off.  I seriously feel like I was at the sametime, dieing, my life ending like him.  Then I thought of course I was dieing since the I was born; everybody was.  I’m in fact passed the midlife, half of my life is really over, getting to the end of my time on earth.  Its a simple fact that I need to accept that time on earth is limited.  His time is up, no one can give him more time, even if I want to give my time to him, even if I want to die earlier for him.   Even if I want to pay, using my own money to buy more time for him or myself.  All of these possibility is not possible.

Talking randomly with patients, Anna, Dr. Ho’s ex girlfriend makes me cried.  Her brother and sister -in-law died and left her with a baby to take  care of.  She said it will get better.  I don’ t know how.  I remember my Granny and how long it takes me to get used to her not being here.  I loved my Granny like no other person, our relationship is much closer then my Dad.  But she was old and sick for 2 yrs before she passed so it was no major surprise like my Dad.She died gently and I was grateful and would not have happen in a better way.  I have done things for her.  No regrets. Dad on the other hand have lots of untie ends.

Emil said that he rather have times off rather then money for his holidays.  Its choices he makes differenely now-a -days.   I think I am slowly transisitoning to this way of thinking.  You really can’t buy time, Dad have not learn this.  He just squatter away his times.

I didn’t understand why Dr. Singh was so down lately.  I know her parents did a tow on her but her brother’s down fall is not necessary and she have no power over how her brother took the lost of his parents.  Its really sad that he throws his life away.  Hopefully my own brother can wake up and take care of my mother like he promised.  But already he went back to his old ways.  He drove her to Costco and not able to get a parking space he drove back home without shopping.

dream the same dream

Sometimes, there’s no diffference from real life and a dream.

I dream about Dad and he’s fighting me the same way as in real life.

I think most of the time my sister is with me everytimes we fight in a dream; which makes it so solid because its not like he only fights with me alone and most of the time she doesn’t get into the fight but in rare occasions she does.

I forgot what we are fighting about but I was on the pre-amting.  He was getting hissy and before he can step on the assult, I plainly questions him.  Before his tone gets more severe to yelling, I declare what’s the problem and what he’s asking.  Our argument always seem to stem from a routine venting.  He seems to able to pick a fight from nothing.  In the dream there’s twlight.  Its like a eclipse, you know its daylight yet its dark.  It has something to do with he was threatening me if I’m like that he’ld change his will.  Somehow Karen my ex-supervisor will drive him to the office to do so.  He was huffy, and when at first I try to stear the argument and get the upper hand, he was taken aback that I have the will and knows what’s he’s up to.  Sometimes after he said something awful that he seems to be sorry but yet he never said he is.  Even at times when he said he’s sorry he said it in a way that he didn’t mean it and that it was you who drag it out of him.  In the dream he threaten and then saying it in a lower voice that I’ve ended the fight and that I force him to cut me down.  It seems to be the same everytime we fight.  I woke up feeling sad.  Even after he died, he’s still want to hold me back.  I never care about how much he can give me because I know he doesn’t want to give and that I’ve given up on him.  When I moved out doesn’t he realized that I’ve walked out without taking anything. I’ve only 2 bags and a blanket.  Even most of my belongings I left behind.  Its not like I don’t need my stuff but I don’t want to take anything from him.  IN my culture, people doesn’t go to “heaven” but a place of the “severe” of the edge of nothingness.  There’s no light or angels, but a place of stillness.  I guess that’s how they find peace when life is so busy, with noise and hard feelings.  This is a place for them to forget and come to terms and then they will go into a new life.

Meaning of Life

With all the bad news happening, I’ve never feel so bad.  Its a combination of 2 things, my father’s passing and the world of conflicts and atrocity.

What happen in NYC 12 yrs ago was devastating, I remember the whole day what happen what did I do and where I was.  This thing that happened in Paris was close to that feeling of unsafe, uncertainty mixed up with deep sadness and anger.  That you want to turn the TV and radio off, the details too much to bare.   The unjust and vileness of the idea revolting me.  Crazy people who has no life, contaminate and destroy others who’s happy with meaningful future.  I start crying when I think of the waste of something wonderful, I can’t imagine the lost of those family who’s loosing someone from this outrageous incident.  The face of the young woman who’s life’s just began having a wonderful time in the city of lights, snuffed out by the dark insidious hateful monster haunts me.  When they chop off the head of the aid work, I’ve already suspected that’s only the beginning of a bigger nightmare.  It triggers some kind of sick satifaction in crazy people.  They are destroying what’s still good in this world.  This is the worse on slough of evilness in my lifetime.  I know there’s always good and bad in the world  but it hurts to have to encounter it, living in it at the worse of it now.   I also think of Anne Frank and how clear she have seperated the 2 even though it was directly it hurts her.

I cry less now.  But when I’m not working, or when my friends ask me about my father, I’ll get teary.  Why do I still grief?  He was not nice to me.  How he lives his life makes me sad, he was not good to himself either.  A man who’s mostly without friends and getting less love from his family.  How he pushes us away……whatever I do irritates him.  He’s a perfectionist to the point of pointless.  How his sisters loves him and how he alienates them.

One must reflects on how he treats other people if I have to have a chance to do good to others I should.  Or enjoy my life, do things that’s fun and treat myself better, that should be the lessons I should walk away with.

I still remembers the moments they pull the plugs on him.  I know he doesn’t want to die because of the grand kids. I’ve been good at detecting people’s feeling without words or gesture.    I’ve already become meaningless to him, maybe being away from him is a goodthing for both of us, that detachment makes death less painful.  That sadness about death is about unfinish business and that is something that exist between me and him.  We are both similar in the way we abhors “unfinish” projects.  It bothers us till no ends.   He miss a lot of things, routines, woodworking, Mom, the bird, the house, his life.   I’m glad LM is here with me because being alone at this time is unbearable. I’ve asked Mom to stay with me but she refused.  My siblings are back to their usual self.  LM have always cry easily at funerals, and then he doesn’t dwell on sadness, he moves on easily.  I guess that;s what you call happy go lucky.  When there’s a fair warning about death, I can handle it much better.  When someone is very old then you expects it.  Its when they suddenly gone then it hits you very hard to accept .

 

Father’s passing

How do I even begin to write this event?  It was a Tue night I came home from work.  LM greets me at the door and hugs me before saying a word, gave me the msg that my sister called and she was crying , my Dad is in the hospital very sick.  I didn’t think he would be in any danger.  I called her and she affirm that he was indeed very sick in the ICU if I would go there now.  I got the address down and LM took me there at St. Mary’s.  Mom came rushing toward me; I don’t know what’s going on, my brother included was telling me how this event started and everyone  was finishing each other’s sentences because everyone was crying.  Is it really that grim? I keep asking myself.  My father have never been hospitalize in his life. He was not even born in a hospital.  I was not crying, I do not think it is that serious.  They are not making any sense.  we got permittion to go in my brother told me this could be the last time that we can see him alive.  The truth is in front of my eyes when I see him all hooked up and in a coma.  He is uncontrolablly shaken and sobbing that his word doesn’t make sense, an undecipherable rambling of words of sorrows, gratitude and  desperation.  Confession that he should be a better son if only he can wake up and come back.  MY brother begs him.  My mother did the same, but she expressed guilt that she doesn’t treat him better and sorry that she angers him.  I was more angry then any of them.  The irony that she have to appologize to my father angers me, I start crying because the 3 of them were so upset and beside themself.  This will became the routine from oct 20 till 24th that we will come together to see him in the morning talk to the drs get updates and then in the evening or afternoon get called in because there’s an emergency.  He was touch and go for those 5 days.  He was admitted sun night surgery was sucessful for the stents initially.  He came out conscious ate some rice poriadge and Bro and Mom went home, there were no need to call JK and I.  Then couple hrs later, my dad flat lined.  he needed more surgery.  (bypassed?)  Dr. Chin pat himself on his back.  He said he wouldn’t do this for other people but my dad has good health before the heart attack so he would pull all stops litterally for him.  We thank him again and again.  If it wasn’t Dr. Chin Dad would not came back from flat lined.  Then dr. Tin the surgent said dad needs to wake up tomorrow or the chance for recovery will be slim because of lack of O2 to his brain.  Dr. Chin the cardiologist said that all that can be done is already done surgery is sucessful there’s no clog anymore.  But because lack of O2 to the brain dad’s in Coma and slowly lung and kidney function died seizures begin to set in.  He had only20% heart function.  Then on weds things got better he woke up and was able to follow the dr;s comment, open eyes and move fingers heart function improved to40% later that night he have bowel movement and the tube dislodged and lost of blood send him back and he fell deeper into the coma.  They transfer him to CPMC when we thought that they will give him better machines and eventually make it back.  After they do a work up on him they called us in which I thought was only an intro meeting turns out to be the end of hope.  Dr. Campbell told us that he no longer have a future.  I asked her if only if we wait he might improves?  She said if he was on only 1 machine or 2 we will said he qualifies to improve to a livable life.  He’s already been on 4 machines the entire time and not making the improvements that shows he can come back.  The last incident  was actually close to a flat line situation.  So that second incident really set him back.  I was mortified to hear there was no hope.  Even Dr. Campbell starts to cry.    That was the worse news I heard so far because no matter what I heard before there was a glimer of hope from those drs.  Now she finally told us there’s none.  She even sound angry at Dr Chin which she said they have done extra ordinary things for my Dad that normally wouldn’t have done.    This is my Dad’s nightmare, going into a hospital and never came back out.   Mom and I want to end this ASAP.  JH wants to defer tomorrow morning where macau anut can say good-bye.  I’ve been saying good-bye everyday there’s no more to say really for me.  We settle the time and when the time comes the grim reaper was a big black guy and a cranny white young girl.  The nurse asks us if we are ready and they just came in quiet and didn’t say a word and unplug everything. Nurse inject more pain killer.  Bro was standing on his left I was on his right.  He holds his hands I put my hand on his.  The moment is here I kneel on the ground and I saw his back arch slightly his head bent back, he open and rolls his eyes, my brother using his other hands to covers his eyes.  He didn’t gasp because there are tubes in his trachea.  When all the machine was quiet he wasn’t able to breath on his own.  He have lost that little life breath inside of him.  His last day he looks like shell with no spirit.  I never let that hand go it was cool to the touch to begin with now it cools down even more completely. His body really gives up on him,  I say the Buddhist chant”Nam mor or lat toh ful”   the entire time they were doing the unplugging.  All 4 of us tried not to be over come by grief because he can see us looking at him.  We all want him not to wondering around in this world and let go. Mom and Sis came in and we have to go.   

I can tell from day to day on Weds Dad looks the best and like he would have came out OK.  He have his eyes slightly open and have some breath inside of him.  He was struggling.  I cheer him on and told him he can do it.  You have grand kids to play with. I didn’t mention forgiveness but bro insists that I tell him that I forgive him.  I think those things are under the water when you lay dieing.  No one owe anyone anything anymore.  I told him that we are gratful that he take us here to the US and we are all independent making a good living.  That he doesn’t need to worry about us.  Bro got a new job. You raised us to full grown ages.  You did your job and duty.   If he needs to go to heaven he needs not to worry about us we will take care of Mom.  This is the last good bye but in my next life we will be together again.  I told him nobody is perfect we all have faults.  We are humans. I pretty much say that we both have done something to hurt each other but now it doesn’t mean anything anymore.  Go find Granny, I told him she’s waiting for you.    Bro worried that Dad didn’t want to let go.  I know he has lots of wood working project yet to start.  He wants to live and come home because he say that went he first woke up.

The funeral arrangement was hard because it happen right after he passed a few hrs later.  Renee is a wheeler dealer.  The money was staggering considering we choose cremation; its still over $10K.  The service went smoothly, lots of flowers and the buddhist nun chant was very important and perfect.  My Dad really needed that to send him off,.  He must be still mad at me because he never appears in my dreams.  I have dream about them often before but his spirit seems to be weak.  Granny on the other hand was strong and powerful.  Dad seems to make people not like him and he doesn’t care.  I was sure that Macau aunt was devastated but my cousin said she was OK with his death.  It brings back bad memories that Dad have taken beloved Granny away from my aunt and separated them even though we barely have enough time to take care of Granny when Granny was sick.  Granny did complaint so did aunt but Dad ignores them.  His life is being judge and when he was not nice to people around him, he wasn’t nice to himself either.  Why in the world that he didn’t get help for his chest pain?  This can be avoided.  74 is not too old. I can see him going to80s with little problems.

LM told me that I’m a fool to spend so much money on a funeral.  Mayly said why dad didn’t take care of me why the extravagant.  At least my brother is to inherit.  When he was alive he was horrible to me after he died he still have to do this to me.

My sister ‘s self-centerness is hard to take.  The funeral photo line up is full of her family kids photos. I would rather see more of the deceased then her’s.   Eulergy is about how hard to be a parent.  I have nothing so say.  Nothing really good to say or I would be lieing.

when he was in the hospital I keep thinking about Dr. Ariga who had those surgery and now still alive and working, Selina too have 2 open heart surgery and inlaw passed.  Why my Dad is so fragile?  why he never enjoy life?  Why is he so unhappy?  Mom, said its because of his dad’s passing at age 8 that makes him not able to live a comfortable life he worries excessively.  He gets angry too easily.

I am angry that my life was good and happy until his death it changes things.  I don’t like to deal with the 2 siblings mainly my sister.

Cloudy days adios

When I heard the news from my co-workers, I was numb, unable to register.  becauseto accept the news as reality I will have to have to say I’m fortunate. I thought the suffering will go on and on until I can bare it no more. Its beginning to taint me and want to swallow me whole. I will have to switch to hiding mode and device plan B: the exist. I did made a bold move that proofs I’m no longer care about this job and willing to walk away from it all. I emailed Amit to tell him to go to the dean and also sue the school.  Also there’s the data gathering, the clues and crumbs that will helps me to sue the university. At last, the kids did it. they have strike the demon into her heart and have send her away. The last 2 weeks was a whirl wind. We all tried to look for the truth. Everyone was in a very calm mood. The students were very hush and touchy/feely, I’ve never been hugged so many times. Dr. Duby was surprisingly joyful and close when we work together.  The president in tears.   On contrast JA and JM were almost mute. The bad trio were not at the party which is not surprising but I feel JM wants to go but couldn’t on the account of loyalty toward JA. Of course JA took it out on me even though I’ve never have an argument with her. On a pretense of some wrong doing. Finding contamination on a tray and telling others is not a crime how can she turn it into a wrong doing? Thus I didn’t go to her going away party which I heard all of them kissed her ass including Alice who came just to do that proclaiming her the best supervisor! Kill me. The students have drummed up enough charges to get her. I think is the size of the group that went up got their attention no matter what. Hell, how can it be worse then this? YOu have to search high and low to find such a low life to work for. Bel congrat her on a promotion and heap up a lot of feel good wishes toward her, I do agree you need to sweeten the poison for her to swallow it, and don’t come back.
Her life will be as horrible as she have treat us. I wish I know the 411 but anyone can see that that main campus is full of people she won’t be getting along with. JA also knows that Kevin is absolute nuts but can’t fire him because he passed probation. Jesus we still have to deal with him.

No matter what, we can quit this pretense.  I wish Marj and Selina didn’t have to go.  Its such a sacrifice from action that I did long ago.  Its hard to say what will happen about things that you thought was a good deed.  Maybe it was for the best.  Sabrine is a OK person so far.  Fun, not too terribly hard working.  Janet is empty minded, not that great of a person, lacks ethics.

another day another year

Its another B-day.  Yikes, this yr I try to play it down.  I know May’s always kind but I don’t want to take up her time and going to buffet anymore.  Its too expensive and I feel bad that we have to ask 2 other people to come to get a free meal.  Anyway to use her $50 credit is not what I wanted.  Appearently she’s having a baby boy in another 4 months so I think I gave her more then enough gifts already.  Her priority is fast becoming focus to her.  I hope she grows up and more mature since she’s a mom now.  Yes, best friends do drift away.  My life have become more and more his life.  Half of my time or maybe even more then that gobbled up by serving him.  He only complains that I don’t love him, I don’t care for him.  All I do is serve him hand and foot, shopping, cleaning, caring, listen to his every whim and he has a lot of dos and don’ts.  Hell, when he’s gone to Belize business trip, I feel free again, picking up myself and finaly some me time, I’m not going to fuss over what to eat and dirty the place.

I can easily treat myself some BBQ pork or some Chinese take-outs.  LM doesn’t like Chinese food.

I’ve becomre more zen at work.  Hell, its only work all those threats from Maria and Junita is nothing to me,  Go ahead fire me if I cares.  S got mad because she cares about them accusing her  and blame her.  Nothing like that will even stick  on me.  If by chance I didn’t do anything wrong even if I do and I think I can argue it back in court, I will sue them for damages.  That’s the way to get out of this hell hole.  Moni became a raising star since Calico seems not able to preform to their liking and Carrie is of course useless and making more problem then there really is.  Moni is abusive to me asking me to do all that work that she won’t do herself.  Really she spares carrie more then Juanita did.  So I sometimes think that Jaunita is not totally a bad thing.  Sabrina is bright she sees what I see.  I think she’s puts in more then selina, who have became a trader in my book, with all her wits she can’t even be fair to herself.  I guess she’s a coward most of all.  Afraid to stand up to for herself.

The best way to deal with them is to let them dig their own graves, Juanita is so pea brain that I don’t see how she won’t make a catastrophic mistakes.  Laka looks more defeated everyday.  The enemies jealous of her popularity.  Kev turns out to be a jerk, I won’t let him touch me with a ten foot pole.  He’s creepy and slimy.  The lasyness is shocking, reminding me of Issac but Issac is more forgivable because of his background and he’s actually talented.  There’s no aspect of Kev that I think makes him likable in anyway.  Back to being a zero for me,  There’s no excitement anymore.   There are too many mental weirdo out there that mix amount normal people.  They can blend in but they can’t function still.  MM at the garden for example,.  he gaves me nightmares.  How the garden turns out to parallel to the TV series walking dead, I don’t know.  Life imitating art I guess.  MM is the Govenor and I’m the black girl who fight him with tooth and nail.  He hates me the most.  I’m the only one who can read his crazy tricks.  He pull wools over everybody’s eyes.    Yet I doublt that the others sees him as a bad guy.  A lot of them still believes in him, but I did enough that some people beginnin to wake up.  I told may that we need to finish him off, kick him out otherwise he’ll do us in.  There’s a power vacumm already, people are acting up like they never would because they were afraid of MM.  I hope I can still rign over them if MM’s gone.